These rankings are mostly of interest to the managers of this blog, but the choice pieces of smack talked about players might be interested to others. Follow our league by searching for Coach Chokers on ESPN Fantasy.
From the land of dead corn and desperately gray winters, we are pleased to bring you the 2009 post fantasy draft rankings. Now, you might be thinking “it’s already been a week” or “I’m winning my matchup so I don’t care.” Well, fuck you. Like a shit that won’t come out no matter how hard you bear down, these here rankings weren’t easy to push out. And besides, you know you want your daily dose of hate and course language. The committee that made these rankings (Michael, Jason, Angelo, and Christopher, the current author) already knows that you can’t wait for these, and we also can’t wait for the know-it all analyses or surly one-liners that are sure to follow. Open wide: here comes da’ dick!!!
#12—Team FUPA: FUPA padded its upper pussy area with autopick players this year. Actually, this was a a tough call to put FUPA last, because we found that FUPA’s autopick ended up landing him the players we all knew we were supposed to take, but were, for some reason or another, scared to do so. Howard, Jackson, Smith–all these guys could be great players in a month. Or they could be battling nagging injuries, getting traded, or both.
#11—Not Freaked Out: NFO decided to hang his fantasy hopes on Amare Stoudemire’s retinas, and since he has at least one follow-up surgery scheduled already, we know how that one will probably end. Enjoy the early season enthusiasm from Amare before he starts sulking his way into lazy rebounding nights and 5-15 shooting performances that consist mostly of face-up jumpers. Your other power forward just got paid (Aldridge) and your other other power forward is Tyler Hansborough. Which will happen first? Rasheed Wallace gets 14 technicals, or what’s left of Brandon Roy’s knees gives out somehow?
#10—Agents of Chaos: Kobe…Dwight Howard…Damn what a team!!! Al Horford? He’s good. Oh wait, Rudy Gay is on the same team as Allen Iverson…oh fuck don’t pick Mo Williams…who is Mario Chalmers? Um…wasn’t Kenyon Martin the guy who, everytime you saw him touch the ball in the playoffs, you said a little prayer to yourself that he wouldn’t either miss a 3 foot jumper or throw it out of bounds? Shane Battier…contributes nothing. After Kobe and Dwight, this could be a very competitive team…in the NCAA.
#9—Mike D’Antoni’s Suicide Watch: The watch continues, but this time with more optimism. Hard to put the SW this low with Wade, Love, and Brand. But Rashard Lewis did fail a piss test and is suspended. I think Mike Bibby was washed up two years ago. And while it’s nice to see Manu making uncontested layups in garbage time, I wonder how things will be for the o’l body in 2010…
#8—Amare’s Was Were’s: Renamed “The Kansas Raders,” I can’t fucking believe this guy picked Andre Iguodala with his first selection. Maybe Erv was busy wiping the rest of our asses on draft night, but fuck me. Tyrus Thomas, in the words of Michael and Jason, is “that hot girl who will never fuck you.” Take that as you will. Also, you chose Chris Kaman. By the way, I’m deliberately ignoring that Deron Williams guy so that we can rank you here in good conscience.
#7—Mars Blackmon Dunk Champions: Where to even begin here? Nash is great. Michael Beasley spent the summer in rehab…Al Jefferson spent the summer in rehab…Monta Ellis spent last summer in rehab…Nene spent last summer in cancer rehab…Peja is healthy as spring chicken, however. Did I mention that Ben Gordon and Hedo both got overpaid this summer? Did I mention that Justin drafted Raja Bell even though he knew he had ripped something important in his wrist? Positive note: Bell is already rehabbing the wrist.
#6—Sous Chefs: Michael dared us to put him here, assuring us that he’d kick our asses later on down the line. Last season’s runner up has reason to be confident: he snagged Pau and Durant with picks 3-4 thanks to the keeper rules, his rookie is Eric Gordon, and he landed BOTH Brandon Jennings and Channing Frye in the late rounds. Plus, he has 50 bodies under the floorboards of his house. The down side? Greg Oden gets more fouls than points, Blake Griffin is a Clipper, Blake Griffin is a rookie, Blake Griffin is injured already, and Blake Griffin was Michael’s 5th pick. Meanwhile, roster building blocks like Chris Duhon and Luis Scola will get you about as far as a hamstrung teenager running away from a sexually abusive serial killer.
#5—Neck Breakers: The KG knee gamble seems to have swung in Ting’s favor, and snagging Melo is already paying dividends. This roster’s other big men don’t look so promising, though. Tyson Chandler is back to playing like a teenage girl, Shaq now splits minutes with Zydrunas Ilgauskus, and Chris Anderson plays 10 minutes a game. I’m also convinced that somehow OJ Mayo will find a way to steal touches on the ball from other fantasy players on Tim’s team. Seriously, he’s like a black hole of selfishness, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he found a way to trade 20 rebounds for 2 three pointers or something like that during any given week. Fuck that guy.
#4—NM MexiMelts: A serious contender simply because of LeBron. Is there any better way to have an “I WIN” button in fantasy than to have LeBron James as your keeper? Perhaps Chris Paul would know the answer…Fortunately, this team has other promising players like Devin Harris and Andrea Bargnani, who look poised to have awesome years. Nate Robinson also worked hard this offseason, and looks ready to have the most accurate shooting season of his young career.
#3—TruWarierz: Brook Lopez, Tim Duncan, and Kevin Martin are a threesome to be reckoned with. Unfortunately, so are Vince Carter, Ron Artest, and Joakim Noah, but for a different reason. Landing David Lee and Rondo with the 8th and 9th picks makes this a team you don’t want to see in an alley at night. I wonder if Mike will trade Evan those two guys for Chris Bosh?
#2—Corn Field Necros: I have Dirk “Colonel Kurtz” Nowitski back from a tumultuous offseason of intrigue and fake pregnancy. I also have Trevor “I bet the Lakers miss me now!” Ariza to couple with solid players like Z-Bo, Kidd, and Ray Allen (playing for one more big contract this year). Finally, I have Darko. I can already see that I’m ranked way too high, and I don’t care since this here is the highlight of my fantasy season. It’s all downhill from here.
#1—2” of Tuna Can: stayed up late to grind out the draft, but last year’s winner looks like an early favorite to repeat. In other news, I am an early favorite to repeat into his mother. There isn’t a better top there than CP3, Granger, and C.Lee. But Jason’s season will really hinge on whether or not Iverson, Redd, and Kirilenko turn out to be steady contributors. If they don’t? He’ll be leaning way too/ hard on Lou William’s moustache, Rip Hamilton’s dead career, and that little bastard Aaron Brooks. But hey, you know the motto of 2” of Tuna Can, which applies to penises and fantasy basketball: “you make the best of what you got.”
